Friday, August 6, 2010
So I don't know how I got so lucky with Rob. He really is the most amazing person in the world. He's my saving grace in all of this. My therapy appointments are going to make a lot of progress. (She did diagnose me. I have a low level depression. Which means I'm not dilapidated but it does effect my everyday life.) With Bret, and all the stuff with my family, not finding a job, or being able to pay my bills, and just all of the stuff that comes with being a broke ass college student. I have this horrid feeling I'm going to drown. And Rob stands next to me, and all he wants is to see is the girl he fell in love with and he sees her when he sees me smile. How do you tell someone that it takes a ton of weights to try and get you to smile? All he wants is me to smile. I love him. He told me that I just need to let the world fall around us, and just let us be an unbreakable force. I'm honestly really lucky to have him in my life. I wish I could just be that girl for him. I know that this therapy is going to make things so much worse before they get better. But I'm willing to do this so I can get better, for us and maybe myself.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
So the last few weeks I thought could not get any worse. Well with my luck they did. My brother in law killed himself two weeks ago. I knew and loved him like my own brother. There isn't anything I can do to fix what has happened. I know that it's past my control. I wish I could have shown that man there was everything to live for. He may not have known it, but he had 3 loving sibling that loved him so much it hurt them. His two parents wanted nothing more then to have their son back. Two children that loved him. They like most children thought the sun rose, and set with their father. He was very very close with his cousins and his uncle. Who now know what it's like to loose a brother and a best friend. I've been through this pain 3 different times. And this will just be the fourth. I feel like i have this tallyed list of people that I want to kick the crap out of because they don't realize that the world won't be better without them. I wish there was a way to show them the pain they would cause without them being there. The people that show. The people that are hurt without them there. I'd give my life to stop the pain that's happening in the love of my lifes heart right now. My family is broken because of the lose of my Uncle, my sister and my mother are broken from my father. I know that pain. And at times it's almost unbearable. I live with it every day. I never wanted his heart to break that way. I'd give my own life to bring his brother back to him just stop that pain.