Saturday, July 17, 2010

Youre just going to stand there and watch me burn

So, it was an eventful day. I found a wedding dress I love. My mother has decided that she's paying for it. Which I will pay for at a later date, in every emotional way that it always comes down too. But then it ended in my sister and her boyfriend getting in a fight with my mother about him being over all the time. And it is constantly affecting me. My mom is at the point of breaking, and going back in the pysch ward. My grandfather is going to have another heart attack because of all the stress this is causing him. And I have to listen to everyone yell about it, my mom at Briana, and my mom yelling at me about Tom, my grandparents yelling at my mom. I'm stuck in the middle of it all. I'm at the point of going to the psych ward myself.

Just gonna stand there
And watch me burn
But that's alright
Because I like
The way it hurts

I think they all get this sick high out of the fact they are pushing me off the deep end. I have all my own stress with the Court date. Which is on Monday. I'm quite freaked out by. I'm so scared that I'm either going to go to jail, or something else is so horrible. Of course no one in my family is coming with me. I'm having a friend from grade school that's driving up from Akron to go with me, so when I break down or go to jail someone is there to take my car back home. It's 12:30 at night and I wish I could sleep. I can't even thing about sleeping. Because it doesn't happen. I wish I wasn't so far away from my shrink apt or even taking our trip to Gurnsy.

thanks for reading. and if you think I'm a whiny bitch you're probably right.

Friday, July 16, 2010

I guess this is my way to figure out where I'm going...

So, I'm 22. In a shit ton of legal trouble. I'm engaged to who I honestly believe is my soul mate. But I'm lost. I am so lost inside all of my family issues, and my own issues, that I'm pushing him out slowly but surely. He's getting pushed out. And I don't want too. But I feel like if I push him out that when he realizes that I'm to much to handle it will be easier to deal with the pain. I should probably bring that up at my next shrink apt. I don't know how...writing to a bunch of strangers is going to help deal with my own issues. But it beats trying to write in my prayer journal and talk to god. My best friend Rae told me that I needed god in my life. For the most part of my life I've been agnostic, and the idea of a mystical being is there...But I don't know how to pray with out asking for my life to be better and praising someone...I think it's hypocritical that i only talk to "god" when I want stuff. But that's what she told me to do. But writing in my prayer journal isn't helping...Because I want to rant and rave about my mother being a selfish person. She's Bi-Polar and it makes her handle any stress at a 5 year old level. And my 17 year old sister is just as selfish because she's the youngest, and treats my mom like shit. But my mom wants nothing more then to be in my sisters good graces. Where I do everything I can for my mother with out question and only want a healthy (as healthy as you can get with someone as crazy as she is.) relationship with her. And it isn't doing anything. So I decided to invest in a shrink and see where it leads me. Maybe this blog will help with it too. Maybe writing to strangers and telling them how my soul mate sometimes makes me want to tear my hair out. Or when I get over stressed I panic and want scream. Or that I sometimes feel like I can't tell someone anything because it doesn't matter how much I explain myself over and over again he doesn't understand because he's never done drugs, he didn't sleep around in high school, or did anything that was criminal. He was a decent kid and had good friends growing up. I just happen to have the opposite of it. and It's making me crazy.

if you read this, thanks. If you think I'm a whiny bitch....You are probably right.