Friday, August 6, 2010

Can't take my eyes off or you.

So I don't know how I got so lucky with Rob. He really is the most amazing person in the world. He's my saving grace in all of this. My therapy appointments are going to make a lot of progress. (She did diagnose me. I have a low level depression. Which means I'm not dilapidated but it does effect my everyday life.) With Bret, and all the stuff with my family, not finding a job, or being able to pay my bills, and just all of the stuff that comes with being a broke ass college student. I have this horrid feeling I'm going to drown. And Rob stands next to me, and all he wants is to see is the girl he fell in love with and he sees her when he sees me smile. How do you tell someone that it takes a ton of weights to try and get you to smile? All he wants is me to smile. I love him. He told me that I just need to let the world fall around us, and just let us be an unbreakable force. I'm honestly really lucky to have him in my life. I wish I could just be that girl for him. I know that this therapy is going to make things so much worse before they get better. But I'm willing to do this so I can get better, for us and maybe myself.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Where do I begin...?

So the last few weeks I thought could not get any worse. Well with my luck they did. My brother in law killed himself two weeks ago. I knew and loved him like my own brother. There isn't anything I can do to fix what has happened. I know that it's past my control. I wish I could have shown that man there was everything to live for. He may not have known it, but he had 3 loving sibling that loved him so much it hurt them. His two parents wanted nothing more then to have their son back. Two children that loved him. They like most children thought the sun rose, and set with their father. He was very very close with his cousins and his uncle. Who now know what it's like to loose a brother and a best friend. I've been through this pain 3 different times. And this will just be the fourth. I feel like i have this tallyed list of people that I want to kick the crap out of because they don't realize that the world won't be better without them. I wish there was a way to show them the pain they would cause without them being there. The people that show. The people that are hurt without them there. I'd give my life to stop the pain that's happening in the love of my lifes heart right now. My family is broken because of the lose of my Uncle, my sister and my mother are broken from my father. I know that pain. And at times it's almost unbearable. I live with it every day. I never wanted his heart to break that way. I'd give my own life to bring his brother back to him just stop that pain.

Saturday, July 17, 2010

Youre just going to stand there and watch me burn

So, it was an eventful day. I found a wedding dress I love. My mother has decided that she's paying for it. Which I will pay for at a later date, in every emotional way that it always comes down too. But then it ended in my sister and her boyfriend getting in a fight with my mother about him being over all the time. And it is constantly affecting me. My mom is at the point of breaking, and going back in the pysch ward. My grandfather is going to have another heart attack because of all the stress this is causing him. And I have to listen to everyone yell about it, my mom at Briana, and my mom yelling at me about Tom, my grandparents yelling at my mom. I'm stuck in the middle of it all. I'm at the point of going to the psych ward myself.

Just gonna stand there
And watch me burn
But that's alright
Because I like
The way it hurts

I think they all get this sick high out of the fact they are pushing me off the deep end. I have all my own stress with the Court date. Which is on Monday. I'm quite freaked out by. I'm so scared that I'm either going to go to jail, or something else is so horrible. Of course no one in my family is coming with me. I'm having a friend from grade school that's driving up from Akron to go with me, so when I break down or go to jail someone is there to take my car back home. It's 12:30 at night and I wish I could sleep. I can't even thing about sleeping. Because it doesn't happen. I wish I wasn't so far away from my shrink apt or even taking our trip to Gurnsy.

thanks for reading. and if you think I'm a whiny bitch you're probably right.

Friday, July 16, 2010

I guess this is my way to figure out where I'm going...

So, I'm 22. In a shit ton of legal trouble. I'm engaged to who I honestly believe is my soul mate. But I'm lost. I am so lost inside all of my family issues, and my own issues, that I'm pushing him out slowly but surely. He's getting pushed out. And I don't want too. But I feel like if I push him out that when he realizes that I'm to much to handle it will be easier to deal with the pain. I should probably bring that up at my next shrink apt. I don't know how...writing to a bunch of strangers is going to help deal with my own issues. But it beats trying to write in my prayer journal and talk to god. My best friend Rae told me that I needed god in my life. For the most part of my life I've been agnostic, and the idea of a mystical being is there...But I don't know how to pray with out asking for my life to be better and praising someone...I think it's hypocritical that i only talk to "god" when I want stuff. But that's what she told me to do. But writing in my prayer journal isn't helping...Because I want to rant and rave about my mother being a selfish person. She's Bi-Polar and it makes her handle any stress at a 5 year old level. And my 17 year old sister is just as selfish because she's the youngest, and treats my mom like shit. But my mom wants nothing more then to be in my sisters good graces. Where I do everything I can for my mother with out question and only want a healthy (as healthy as you can get with someone as crazy as she is.) relationship with her. And it isn't doing anything. So I decided to invest in a shrink and see where it leads me. Maybe this blog will help with it too. Maybe writing to strangers and telling them how my soul mate sometimes makes me want to tear my hair out. Or when I get over stressed I panic and want scream. Or that I sometimes feel like I can't tell someone anything because it doesn't matter how much I explain myself over and over again he doesn't understand because he's never done drugs, he didn't sleep around in high school, or did anything that was criminal. He was a decent kid and had good friends growing up. I just happen to have the opposite of it. and It's making me crazy.

if you read this, thanks. If you think I'm a whiny bitch....You are probably right.